Do I forget part four

Had a good night last night. Did not do much talking but we spent some
quality time together.

Shared our days events to each other and then watched some TV. Fell
asleep holding each other and it felt nice. Least it did for me but
she would not of held on if it didn't for her also

Today is another weird day mentally for me, feeling like I am not all
here, can't seem to shake this.

Kids are going to sleep over at the in-laws and I'm not sure what her
plans are for tonight, not knowing is bothering me.

1:00pm Well I know what the plans are for tonight and they don't include me.

I'm at work right now and can't get anything done, only thing on my
mind is all this stuff that is going on. Guess it helps knowing that I
can put down these thoughts even though I am censoring myself a lot.

Not looking for sympathy, I know that everybody who reads the last few
posts feels bad and all they can really say is "sorry to hear it".

Believe what I have been feeling for the past couples days is an
anxiety attack. I have had them in the past but it has been many years
since I felt this. Little disoriented and heavy breathing, feels like
the weight of the world on my back and I have been nautious for the
past few days also.

Feeling very sorry for myself and I think its time I stop. I need to
pull myself up and focus on the good things, my kids. Going to start
focussing a lot more on them and they're needs, I am going to be the
father they need and deserve.

I hope this is going to be my last "woe is me" post.

Thanks for reading and I hope I did not depress anyone.

J.

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Sent from my mobile device

Do I forget part 3

I had a whole post that I had been working on all day when I had a few
minutes here and there.

Then a few minutes ago I was reading over and spell checking then the
plan was to save as a draft and wait about 30 minutes, read one time
and post. Well I managed to delete it.

Damn it!

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Do I forget. Part two

Last night we had a long conversation, it went well. We did not yell
and we both kept our composure.

I felt that I made some good points and thought that I was getting
threw. They also made a lot of good points about my lack of
participation in the relationship.

I realize that I have not always " been there " but I feel I am at a
point in my life where I am ready to make the changes needed so I can
be a better person. I can't do it alone so I am going to be getting
help to learn how to deal with my issues, I want to be a better
father, husband and man.

I was informed that although they do want to work on " us " they also
don't want to give up the indiscretions that are a big part of all the
things that our straining this relationship. The whole cake and eat it
thing.
Tonight while I am at work they will be out. How do I deal with this?
How do I come home knowing that they are out there?

Am I supposed to act like nothing happened and continue trying to make
things right in the hopes that things will work out?

Will I be able to live with the knowledge even if things do work out?

My heart is torn, my mind is spining out of control and my body feels
like I have been run over by a truck.

I hurt!

Guess the answer to all these question are already in my head, now I
have to give myself the answer. I don't know that I am able to.

Need to look deep inside and really see what it is I need and want to do.

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Sent from my mobile device

Do I forget.

Recently I found out that someone I trust betrayed me.

I had decided to try and forget about it, as difficult as I knew it
would be, and move on. Again last night I caught the person doing the
same thing to me, even though they had promised not to do it again.

All the while I thought that we were working on rebuilding our
relationship. I was played for a fool. Did they think that I wouldn't
find out? Did they think that they could pretend to be a trusted
person in my life and at the same time continue to betray that trust?

Now I am forced into a situation that I never thought I would be in.
Do I forget about this complete abuse of my trust? Do I forget about
the total disregard for my feelings and the feelings of my family? Or
do I get the person out of my life, never allowing them the chance of
betraying me again?

The issue is complicated due to many factors, essentially whatever
decision I make ends up affecting not only me but my entire family.

I know that in the end, all this is for a reason. I am meant to learn
something from this, but I will not let it stop me from trusting
again.

I have to say I am not innocent in all this. I mean I should of been
more attentive and I should of " listened " when I was being given the
warning signs. Still I did not deserve to have this done to me. I am
the kind of person who loves forever but I also hate forever.

I don't hate the person, in fact I love them with all my heart and I
do want this to end in a way that we can move on and have a stronger,
healthier relationship.

I don't wish this on anybody. I just hope I can find the wisdom to do
what is best for everybody.

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Sent from my mobile device

Mail2Blogger

Just testing this posting to blogger via email

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Sent from my mobile device

BlackBerry

About a week ago I bought a cell phone something I have been putting off for a long time. So I went out and bought a PAYG ( pay as you go ) phone from Walmart for $15, needless to say it was crap. After a week I figured I might as well get a good phone and get a full fledge line.

I went with AT&T and got a QuickFire. Really nice phone. Had touch screen that made it easy to navigate the menus but it lacked a feature. I Was unable to send or receive files via bluetooth. That was a deal breaker for me. So I returned it and went with the BlackBerry Curve 8310.

It does not have touch screen so it is not as much fun to play with but the camera is 2.0 megapixle, QuickFire is 1.3. The BB also allowed me to install mobile gmail 2.0. Great feature. With the QuickFire I was forced to create a ymail ( yahoo ) account and forward my gmail to it so I can check my mail. I also installed jmirc, it's a mobile irc client that allows you to connect to any irc server and keep in touch with your friends and continue to help in support channels if that is what you do.

And last but not least the QuickFire froze solid when I tried to create a post for blogger.

Both phones worked OTB with Ubuntu Intrepid 8.10. I am very happy about that.


I recommend either phone if you are looking but if file transfer via bluetooth is important go with BlackBerry