Mixed emotions

What the hell is going on?

I am all over the place one second I'm feeling good the next I feel
like I'm in another world. Not sure how to get back to a good place in
my mind and my heart.

These feelings are affecting me physically also. I have lost about
15Lbs in the past couple of weeks, I'm not eating, my stomach is all
in knots.

I'm angry at my wife for hurting me and I am desperately trying to
forgive her but I it is so hard to do when all these emotions keep
popping up. Maybe forgiveness is the wrong word I have already
forgiven her, what I want to do now is move on and have these feelings
go away.

I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to be angry anymore, I
don't want to doubt her anymore.

They say ignorance is bliss, wonder if I would of been better off not
ever knowing. Sooner or later I would of found out and it would of
hurt just as bad no matter what.

Baby if you read this don't misinterpret my words. I love you with all
my heart but like I had told you I need a way to get these things out
and right now it seems this is the best way for me.

I feel like crap. I'm not taking care of myself. WTF do I need to do?
How do I get this fixed? Why is this so hard to deal with?

Baby I need you to help me with this I need you to talk to me and
listen to me. I need help from you. I don't think I can do this on my
own. Feel I'm losing myself.

I want to do to things with my wife. I want to go out, see things,
experience new stuff, find new common interests. I want to get to know
her again and I want her to get to know me again. I was a fun guy. I
used to tell her stories and she used to listen and tell me that she
loved my stories.

I want to go to the museum with her and take a drive to some small
town we have never been to have lunch, go and sit in a park and have a
picnic. I want to meet and old couple and listen to they're stories
all day just so we both can learn what it means to be in love again.

Do you want these same things? What do you want?

I want you to tell me, please. In the end all I want is for us to be
happy with each other.

I don't want these mixed emotions anymore.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Been a few days

Monday Jan 20, 2009. A new President was inaugurated, it was a good
day. This country needs some new vision. I hope he has the wisdom to
not screw things up to much.

My wife and I also had a very big argument and I ended up leaving the
house. I was not sure where I was going, friends house? Back to
Canada? that is where I am from or to my in-laws house?

By the end of the night I was back home with my family and we had
dinner, afterwards my wife and I talked for many hours and we decided
to give our marriage a shot at becoming stronger.

I have an appointment with a group therapy next week for anger
management issues. I'm not sure how that is going to work for me
though but I am going to go and see if group therapy is for me. I have
the suspicion that individual therapy would probably be better for me.

I tend to make promises and not keep them, taking the trash out and
other things like that and it upsets my wife because she figures if I
am unable to keep a promise like that how will I keep the promise of
getting help for myself. It is a lack of motivation when it comes to
the trash and helping around the house.

I am committed to my well being and that of my family and I AM going
to get the help I need.

P.S. Going to take out the trash and help my wife with the chores.
Starting now. I promise myself.

My wife is going to see a friends band tonight, Think Pink. They are a
Pink Floyd tribute band and they mix in a few other favorites. She is
going with a girl friend and I believe her.

She has promised me that she will not be in contact with that other
guy anymore and I was there when she ended it with him. I also spoke
to him on the phone and made it clear to him that he is to stay away
from my wife. Stuttering chicken shit on the phone he is. I can just
imagine the mess in his pants if it had been in person.

So now I am at a starting point with my wife and it is up to me to
make sure I make good on my promises as long as she keeps hers I know
we will get stronger together.

I love you sweety with all my heart <3

--
Sent from my mobile device

Convincing

Last night I did something really stupid. I went looking for my wife
at a bar I thought she was at.

I convinced myself on the way there that I wasn't going looking for a
fight, I was going to go in order a beer and then send her and her
friend a round of drinks. I use the word friend because I don't want
to say what I am really thinking.

What the hell did I expect to happen if I found them there? Did I
really believe I was gong to keep my cool?

What probably would of happened is I would of seen them and freaked
the hell out, then someone would of ended up getting hurt and I
probably would be in jail.

That is not the worst part, I forgot about my kids. I did not think of
how all this would affect them, I end up in jail and my kids suffer. I
end up dead and my kids suffer. Probably the most stupid thing I have
ever done.

To top it off I have probably alienated my wife even more. I hope she
knows that all I want is to make her happy and that I love her with
all my heart.

I know all this crap started because my wife was and still is missing
something from our relationship and I want to be the one who gives her
what she needs, emotionally, physically and intellectually.

I am going to give her the time and space she needs to sort her
feelings out. In the mean time I am going to focus on being more
attentive to the kids and my wife.

I owe it to them and myself.

--
Sent from my mobile device